Meaning and Authenticity

I received some upsetting news today. A friend died. She was a friend from my oil company days, a friend who served alongside me on the board of a local professional association of which we were both members, a friend whom I had not spoken with in probably five years. She died on March 8, over a week ago, from breast cancer. Those who notified me had few details, reminding me that she was a "very private person." Which is true. It seems all of us were surprised. She was raised in Minnesota, I believe, and often spoke to me of her family, which did seem to follow the austere, straight-up Scandinavian-origin stereotype. Privacy was a value she held dear. Tall, blonde and blue-eyed, she spoke very distinctly, always making sure that each syllable was pronounced, and pronounced correctly. When she and I were working together we would often meet for dinner at the Galleria after work, always choosing a table outside one of the restaurants so that we could look down at the skaters ...

It's Saturday morning, and absolutely beautiful in North Texas. The sun is shining. The air looks clean (for a change). And it's suppose to be about 70 by mid-afternoon. Life is so incredibly good. D's play, Driving Miss Daisy, is doing well. Thursday night I attended the "preview" performance, where they invite people in from retirement homes for free. The house was about half full, I'd say. D was great! I admire his talent for acting and performing like that. The whole cast was wonderful. In fact, during the last act, when Hoak is visiting Daisy in the nursing home, feeding her with his old, shaking hand, I found tears streaming down my face. There is such a sadness involved in getting old. I mean, just existentially ~ sadness at the approaching end. I remember, when I decided to jump off the cliff and leave my oil company job...my Zen teacher, Ruben, told me that I had one month to live and challenged me: what will you do in the time you have remaining on ...

Thanks for your prayers for Joyce. They were suppose to do surgery first thing this morning, but when I got to the hospital at 1:00, she was still in her room, waiting. She was in no pain, just lying there, so we got to talk a bit. They took her to pre-op about 2:00 and I haven't heard anything yet from her son. Oh, the world seems in such chaos right now to me, somehow. My husband's home church, which he dearly dearly loves~the church in which we were married~is in a horrendous uproar. D is there tonight for another meeting. Dear God, may everyone there open themselves to your Spirit's nudgings toward justice and reconciliation. That's my fervent prayer. And that's what happened at my previous church, so I have good reason to hope. Oh, and my dear friend Seeker Executive. I just found out that she is driving to another city tonight to be with a friend who is near death. And this friend of hers is so very close to her heart; they have been like sisters since their c...

Please pray for my friend Joyce. She's in her 80's and fell today and broke her hip. She's a friend from my previous church, and I love her so much.

What great news I've carried in my heart this morning. First, a wonderful friend experienced a true blessing and huge affirmation from our Regional Committee on Ministry. When she got home last night, she was greeted by her beautiful, loving dog, C. In the greeting, the spontaneous and unconditional happiness dogs apparently feel when we walk in the door, she began to laugh. And then she found herself walking around the whole house, laughing ~ in pure delight, open to the joy at the very heart of God. Wow. And then my husband calls to give me more good news. I didn't ask if I could post about it, so I won't, but suffice it to say that he received a HUGE compliment from the powers-that-be at his university, along with an assignment that speaks of their trust and high regard for him. Again, what joy to be so well respected. Wow. My heart is singing today.

I spent Friday night at what we call our "Girls Overnight." My friends Joyful Laugh and Life Giving One and I try to schedule a couple of times each year when we rent a big room at a B&B and spend some time together. This time Joyful Laugh's husband and son were away on a camping trip together so we got to spend our time at her beautiful new house. Joyful Laugh is one of the most creative friends I have, and her house shows it. Wow. It's so beautiful ~ the large family room has ceiling-to-floor windows looking out on a creek, so trees and wildlife are plentiful. And she had a landscaper design the patio. She and Life Giving One stayed up Friday night until 2:30 watching a movie, so when I woke up at 8:30 the next morning I had the house to myself, basically. Made coffee (several cups, actually), went outside and sat on her new covered swing-set, prayed, listened to the birds and the sound of the fountain she installed on the patio. Amazing. My soul felt lifted up....

A friend of mine has joined the blogging world! Kathy is the "artist friend" whose words influenced me so greatly here . Her blog is My Heart Leaps , and on her website you can enjoy many of her beautiful expressions of faith and feeling. Welcome to the blogosphere, Kathy!

I'm grateful for good friends. Tonight D and I and the girls spent a lovely evening at a dinner party at the home of some friends. Wonderful time. Conversation went from plans for Christmas to the topic of institutional racism. A seminary nearby is in the midst of controversy, and the complexity of what's going on is fascinating and so important. D has been reading a great book on difference in gender and race, and several of us have an intense interest in this subject. Stimulating dialogue that I think we all enjoyed.

Denise Levertov is a wonderful poet, isn't she? The Avowal As swimmers dare to lie face to the sky and water bears them, as hawks rest upon air and air sustains them, so would I learn to attain freefall, and float into Creator Spirit's deep embrace, knowing no effort earns that all-surrounding grace. ~ Denise Levertov ~ Ohhhh, what lovely memories this poem evokes in me. Freefalling into the arms of God. Leaving the false security of ARCO. Strangely easy .... Preaching to the seminary community, professors and all. Valerie telling me to LIVE, LIVE in THIS moment .... Group therapy where I was Levertov's soaring hawk, the bravest I've ever been when it comes to a potential relationship .... And marriage. Risking it all, although somehow it didn't feel like the cost could be death, sustained no doubt by God and by a confidence in D's 'earnestness.' So it seems that Life ~real Life~ is a series of freefalls. Learning to trust. ....................Failing t...

Had a great time babysitting little Julia this weekend. Oh, she is SO cute! Two years old, blond, blue eyes, HUGE vocabulary, sweet tempered, and loves to laugh. I'm so glad I have friends who are young enough to have a baby! What a joy.

Friday is my day off. Since I've been on vacation, I went in to work this morning--for, oh, about an hour! I certainly could have worked longer, but I had lunch plans today in City to the East with two dear friends, friends I haven't seen in months. And I wasn't about to cancel. One friend is M, who I'll name Runner CPA. She's a partner in a CPA firm but "Runner Partner" won't quite do, will it? That gives the impression that we run together, and believe me, she knows me well enough to know that I do NOT run. Ever. (I can hear her laughing even now.) Runner CPA loves her work, and her clients obviously love her. I must've met Runner CPA in 1993 at a spiritual retreat--I know it was before my mother died because I remember her at the memorial service, and my mother died in 1994. She is generous and kind in many, many ways. The other friend at lunch today was A, who I've mentioned here before, but I'll give her a name now, too. Let...

Linda's blog very often has posts that are truly art . In these posts her writing has that quality to it that takes me right into the moment, right into the room (or the jogging path) with her, and I feel the pathos or the life or the grief or the joy. More than that, the beauty of her writing--the structure, the words chosen, and that mysterious 'something more' that true art requires--is so deeply creative that it leads me to the Creator. I remember one post about a woman colleague of hers who was so close to trusting, on the very brink of the kind of vulnerability that transforms, and yet ultimately backed away from it. I was in tears. Oh dear God, please help this woman cross over into LIFE, I thought. One of Linda's most recent posts is about life--Life all around her, all around us, have we but the eyes to wake up and see. I hope you'll read it. Read it, and give yourself permission to be where she was when her words came forth. I think you'll be inspired...

I really love my husband. For many reasons, one of which is how he loves to tease and play verbal tennis. And he's so good at it. I can keep up with him for a little while, sometimes , then my mind just goes blank. But my friend Grew Up in Foreign Land is better than I am, and last night she and D really kept that ball in the air, tossing one clever repartee after another back and forth, back and forth. I just found it hilarious! (I'm a good audience, as D says. It's true. I just laugh and laugh at good puns or at this kind of cleverness. Comics are SO intelligent!)

My friend from college, Grew Up in Foreign Land, is coming for a visit today. She lives in Florida now, so we don't see each other often. I'll never forget what she said during the rehearsal dinner for our wedding three years ago when everyone was standing up and toasting us. It was something like, "When we were in college together, Kathy (I was Kathy back then) always seemed a little unhappy to me. She no longer seems that way." She said it more eloquently than that, but it was along those lines. I was struck by it because it was so true, and I viewed it as a witness to the growth that I've been working with God to accomplish through these many (30!) years. I was grateful for what I took as a very affirming comment. I'm looking forward to her visit. Grew Up in Foreign Land always has something interesting going on and an interesting slant to her view of life. Her parents were business owners in another country. I had a very different Christmas celebr...

One of my big projects at church has been to put together a monthly concert series. My church is downtown, so we've designed the series such that downtown workers can take their noon lunchbreak, walk on over to the church, hear about 20 minutes of beautiful music, go downstairs for a free meal, and be back to their offices by 1:00. It's been a big success--well, relatively speaking. We have quite a few "regulars," people working in these huge companies who tell me how much it means to them to have a place like this to come to once in a while. Today was especially fun for me. First, I woke up with some energy--first time in over two weeks. Second, my dear friends C. and R. came-- always SO great to see them! We even got to catch up a little during lunch. And third, I just had a sense of how much I like people and enjoy being a minister, providing a welcoming space for people to be. I have 'learned' the sense of hospitality that I want to provide for people by e...

My dear friend A. was suppose to come over for lunch today, but I called her to say I didn't think I was quite up to it. Asthma's a bummer. Although I miss seeing her, it's probably just as well it didn't work out because it sounds like she needs a day at home without an agenda. A. is a business executive, and her job keeps her going at a frantic pace. I know she longs for a time of rest and renewal, and I wish that for her with all my heart. Our phone conversation, plus being cooped up here in the house all week, prompts me to wonder about my own pace. There are weeks when I work too many hours, but that's not really the problem. The problem is what I'm doing with the hours--I'm being productive and not taking the time to reflect. When I don't pause and think about the meaning of my work and relationships, it feels like life is passing me by. I clearly remember the moment when I understood the gift of my parents' lives to me.* I'd been r...

As I write, D and Lovely Passionate Feminist stepdaughter are driving to Waco; they probably won't be home until 11 pm or so. But Young Man with Integrity stepson is here. As I write from my sick-bed, I can hear the low-rumblings from the television in the living room. I find it's not so bad being sick now that I no longer live alone. Getting married has brought so much joy to my life. The joy of feeling cared for when I'm sick. The joy of nearly-always having someone to go to dinner with. The joy of touch and intimacy. The joy of D's three children who are now in my life, enriching it beyond measure. The joy of being deeply known. The joy of working through who I am, and am becoming, as a married person. Yet I am also grateful for having been single for so long (until I was 48, three years ago now). It was time and space to begin to know myself, and to like and even love myself. Loneliness motivated me to seek out good friends--so many wonderful friends who have nouris...