Meaning and Authenticity

flickrfoto As 2007 winds down I find myself in the midst of a familiar feeling. It's an existential awareness of the end of my life approaching. That sounds like a real downer, doesn't it? But it's not. Not really. My birthday falls between Christmas and New Year's, so I get a double-dose of this each year...the passing of time, and my own personal passing of time. Buy a new calendar. Remember I can no longer say "I'm 51." This existential awareness began after my mother died in 1994. Being the oldest generation in my immediate family of origin makes a huge difference, I think. No longer is there that 'buffer' between me and death ~ plus, as friends correctly predicted, once past 50 my body just feels older. Several people I trust have told me that I have a gift for knowing, for recognizing, what is constructive and what is destructive in life. I can often intuit that kind of thing, which at times is complicated or hidden, fairly well. So, I don...

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope it's been a beautiful day for you all. Christmas Eve service at my new church was interesting for me. In the middle of it all I became aware once again of how much I miss my previous church ~ I'm definitely grieving the fact that the conflict became so awful that I decided to leave. When we got home last night I said as much to D, and his comment was that I had done the right thing. Then he said, "You took one for the team." I do hope that my leaving there has stirred up some Spirit-filled energy, but I wish I could have been with all the wonderful people there I love so much. I miss them. I hope my feelings don't interfere with my ability to make connections at the new church. I'm feeling disconnected, but thinking that's because it's too soon for anyone to really feel connected in any meaningful way there. Yet there's also a detached feeling, and that's not good. I preach the next two Sundays, though, and tha...

6:00 a.m. Up early on this Saturday morning to enjoy the lights in the living room against a background of darkness. We have a regular Christmas tree and two smaller tabletop trees, plus the lighted "snow village" that someone gave me as a going-away present three weeks ago. In the dark, the living room is magically aglow with the light . In three days we will celebrate the light of God entering the world. A few years ago I was on vacation in Albuquerque. Having breakfast out on the back porch one morning, I noticed the sun’s light through the tall trees. I could see the beams, and I imagined the individual particles. Sparkly. Smoky-looking. Breathtaking. I don’t know how long I sat there, mesmerized by seeing light itself. And I remembered this story by Scott Peck. He was in another city on a several-day speaking engagement. His host was an older woman, an artist. On their last night together she commented, “Perhaps it’s because I’m an artist, but lately I’ve begun to thin...

Tonight I am grateful for fresh bread~and the smell of fresh bread baking. I'm at home. Worked until 3 pm. Our service this morning was all music, so I'm easing into my new position without anything to do during worship on my first Sunday. The morning was spent meeting people, trying to learn names, having FUN with the kiddos in Adventure Village (our Sunday School for K-5, nicknamed AdVill), attending a Christian Ed meeting, and attending the end of the Youth Party upstairs. First impression: These folks are friendly, easy-going, inclusive, and progressive. I like 'em. I came home, though, and went straight to bed~~oh, I was exhausted. And when I got horizontal, I started having coughing fits. Like I did earlier this year. So I'm calling my allergist tomorrow and making an appointment, just to be safe. I do NOT want to get sick again. I finally got up about an hour ago. D and I are watching the Giants and Redskins game with our computers in our laps. He'...

We had a beautiful ordination service at my new church this morning. At one point the drama group, with six or seven people all dressed in black, went to the chancel and presented quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr., Sojourner Truth, and Rumi, among others. All were presented as prophets, with words to the candidate about the awesome and beautiful responsibility of speaking God's truth as he will come to know it. Very moving. I am grateful for this reminder of my own awesome and beautiful responsibility.

Tonight I am grateful that I have a place where I can come home and find my husband here to help me feel safe and wanted and loved. I was a little late getting home, and D called to check on me. What an amazing thing, that there's another human being on this planet who cares enough to call to make sure I'm okay. When I came in, he stood up to give me a kiss and asked how I'm doing. I am truly grateful. Tonight I hold the reality of this gift with gentle care, like you'd hold a baby chick in the palm of your hand, stroking it tenderly and aware of its fragile life. How utterly remarkable that this gift of love and care between two people exists and is actually here for me. So many years alone and lonely. Oh yes, I am grateful. Being in a new job--all is well, I have no reason to think that this won't be a wonderful place to serve God in ministry--but it takes time to establish relationships, to connect and feel accepted. G took the time to call me this morning on my ...

What am I grateful for today? Well, not much ~ ...It's still raining. ...I've struggled with a migraine much of the day. ...I can't find a comfortable office chair to use at my new church. Consequently my back is killing me. ...I'm aware that I needed some time to emotionally make the break from my old church. That was a mistake. I should have taken a few days off. ...I have countless little things I need to do, but 'big' stuff takes precedence during the day and in the evening I'm so exhausted that I just sit here and read blogs. ...I'm biting my nails. Which is a pretty neat trick, since they're the fake silk ones. ...I feel separated from my friends. Kinda lonely, really. ...I miss my old church. Even with all its problems, I was/am invested in it. I care about everyone there so much. Great way to write about gratitude, huh? Ugh. Let's see~ ...Well, it's nice to be alone in the house tonight. Young Man with Integrity is out with friends, a...

My new job is going to be a wonderful one, I'm sure. The senior minister and church administrator are very easy going, and I'm looking forward to continuing to have the freedom to do the ministry that I love doing. I'm grateful for that. And I'm grateful for feminist thought. I stopped by the book store on the way home from my new job today and picked up three books on feminism for my children-by-marriage. Young Man with Integrity has already read The Second Sex by Simone Beauvoir, so I think he'll enjoy the subject. I hope the two girls do. Chances are good~they are already well on their way. My own experience is that the world opened up when I first began to see how patriarchy had indeed determined so much of our American cultural worldview and how that same patriarchy was at the root of so much sin, systemic and individual. Everything changed for me ~ Power inside relationships began to be something I could see . See and appreciate in many ways, but see...

I cried a lot today. I was holding it together pretty well until Marilyn, one of the 'saints' of the church, stepped up during the good-bye reception. She was all choked up and couldn't get any words out. As we embraced I lost it. She's one of about three older women in the church who have been wonderful "mothers" to me. So loving, so accepting, so encouraging, and in Marilyn's case, soooo funny. What a great sense of humor she has, so to see her crying and unable to speak at all just sent me over the edge. I had to go to my office and compose myself a bit. Lovely reception. The church gave me a museum copy beautiful red etched glass vase. Really breathtaking. I love it. So many hugs, tears, smiles, laughs, gifts and cards. I am so very grateful. Tomorrow...a new job...a new congregation...a new beginning.

I'm grateful for good friends. Tonight D and I and the girls spent a lovely evening at a dinner party at the home of some friends. Wonderful time. Conversation went from plans for Christmas to the topic of institutional racism. A seminary nearby is in the midst of controversy, and the complexity of what's going on is fascinating and so important. D has been reading a great book on difference in gender and race, and several of us have an intense interest in this subject. Stimulating dialogue that I think we all enjoyed.

I am grateful for my husband. He drives me crazy. Absolutely nuts. I married a man who...well, let me give an example. This happens frequently as we are going to bed. K: Honey, will you turn that radio off? D: I'm listening to it. (This not 2 minutes after I ask "Who's that?" Some senator is talking about Bush and I'm curious who it is. D tells me he didn't hear who was talking because he's reading his book.) K: D, will you please turn the radio off? D: Why? K: Because I'm about to post to my blog and I can't write when the radio's on. D: What are you posting about? K: I'm writing about things I'm grateful for. D: You're writing about me. K: I'm NOT writing about you. [He always thinks this.] Now, will you turn that OFF?! D: I'm listening to it. K: You're not listening to it and we both know it. D: What if I don't want to? K: Arrrrgh!!!! Will you JUST turn the radio off?! D: [he exaggerates a belch] K: D! D: What wil...

I am grateful for CPE programs where such an emphasis is placed on self awareness. For the second year in a row now I've made a little presentation to the chaplain interns at one of our local hospitals. I talk about spiritual vitality and how important it is to continue a practice of self-examination beyond the CPE experience. It's gratifying for me to talk to these young people. They are amazingly self-aware and eager to share. I give them a whole page of quotes from famous Christians talking about self-knowledge and how critical it is to the spiritual life. One woman today focused on Augustine's famous "our hearts are restless until the rest in Thee, O God," and she put that together with a quote from Frederick Buechner talking about our "original selves." In tears, she commented that she had never really told the CPE supervisor, who was in the room, the amazing sense of restoration she felt when she first talked to him about being in the program....

My niece, Blonde Beauty, called yesterday to say hello on Thanksgiving and to wish me well in my new position. I wished her well, too--she has a new job! (No more temporary assignments! yes!) She has the most delightful personality: fun and friendly and at-ease in any situation. She's a great writer and I love to hear her sing. What is Blonde Beauty now?--hmmm, I guess she's 26 with a birthday coming soon on January 12. Her new job is in the accounting area, and my sister tells me she's enrolling in night school at the college in her town. I have the warmest memories of spending time with her and my nephew Handsome Boy before they moved to South Carolina. On the weekends I took them all over. We went to San Antonio via Amtrack. It was a great trip to the RiverWalk, swimming and room service in a fancy hotel~I have a picture of them jumping on the beds. [Discipline has never been my long suit.] On the way home the train died. Yep, just died on the tracks and what should have...

The cornbread's baking, the sausage (for the cornbread--southern style, my grandmother's recipe) is frying, D's still asleep, the cat's up and misbehaving, but otherwise it's an incredibly quiet, peaceful Thanksgiving morning. All three children are at their mother's house in City to the South. I wish they were here, but Christmas will be a joyous time all together. So different from the years and years I spent going to Thanksgiving at the home of some extended family member. They were always gracious to me, but I felt an undercurrent of "poor Katy." Perhaps that was my own stuff. The first Thanksgiving that D and I were married, though, we received no invitation, much to my painful surprise. It took me a while to adjust to that, given all my issues around "family," but now I see it as much better. I'd rather be here with D, just the two of us, than anywhere else. I'm afraid D might be getting sick. He said last night that his body ha...

D and I worshiped at the Thanksgiving Service at his church tonight. What a blessing! To be able to sit in that beautiful sanctuary (this is the church where we were married) and listen to a beautiful sermon, full of God's truth as I understand it, share a meal with good folks, oh! I felt God's presence and am grateful. I do want to remember just a few of the many things for which I am grateful tonight: my husband and my children-by-marriage, for my sister, niece, nephew and brother-in-law in South Carolina, for my brother and sister-in-law in Thailand, for my dear friends and other family members. my church where, although it's been so tough lately, I have nevertheless been privileged to serve, where I have loved the people and the work of ministry, where I have had wonderful opportunities to do some creative programming, where the beauty of the building's sanctuary has nurtured me...and so much more. technology and how it has allowed me to connect with some amazingly...

I woke up this morning thinking how grateful I am for my life. I am with someone I love and who loves me; we enjoy each other's company (most of the time) :-), and we share each other's burdens. D has so much integrity. And he has allowed his life experience to become wisdom, a wisdom that has sustained me greatly in the last few weeks. I chose well. I have three wonderful children-by-marriage who are SO easy to love. Btw, Young Man with Integrity has a great job now, a job that he excels in and that he can benefit from in many ways for his future. It's amazing how my heart just leapt when he told us this good news last night. I enjoy all three children tremendously--love it when the girls come home for the weekend, love it when we spontaneously call Lovely Passionate Feminist in her dorm and drive up to have a quick lunch with her, love it when Beautiful Genuine Drummer Girl is here and we get to talk and go to movies together. I'm doing work that I love. The context m...

I married well. Conversation getting into our car, having just finished dinner out at a local restaurant: D: Have you ever thought that you're living part of life just to get to something else? K: [with intensity] I used to. D: No, I just looked at the name of that store: "Fast Braces" and it occurs to me how I used to think I just needed to get the braces paid for, for each of the children, then I'd ... whatever--then I'd have the money, or then be able to do something else. K: Yeah. OK. I thought you meant that in a different way probably. D: No, I probably did mean it in the way you're thinking. K: Oh. Well, I always think of that part in Ruben Habito's book where he talks about going to work in order to pay the bills, then coming home in order to eat, then cleaning the dishes in order to use them again, then going into the living room to watch television and go to bed, all in order to get up again the next morning, to go to work in order to...

As I write, D and Lovely Passionate Feminist stepdaughter are driving to Waco; they probably won't be home until 11 pm or so. But Young Man with Integrity stepson is here. As I write from my sick-bed, I can hear the low-rumblings from the television in the living room. I find it's not so bad being sick now that I no longer live alone. Getting married has brought so much joy to my life. The joy of feeling cared for when I'm sick. The joy of nearly-always having someone to go to dinner with. The joy of touch and intimacy. The joy of D's three children who are now in my life, enriching it beyond measure. The joy of being deeply known. The joy of working through who I am, and am becoming, as a married person. Yet I am also grateful for having been single for so long (until I was 48, three years ago now). It was time and space to begin to know myself, and to like and even love myself. Loneliness motivated me to seek out good friends--so many wonderful friends who have nouris...