Meaning and Authenticity

It is 2:44 a.m. As part of our Easter Vigil, I promised to pray in the middle of the night. Since keeping my eyes open is a definite problem, I thought I'd share with the blogosphere something of the beautiful Good Friday Service I experienced at Broadway Baptist, my husband's church, and the church in which we were married. Here's a photo of it, which of course does not do it justice. It is a grand, majestic place. I sat there feeling swallowed up in God, eager to be filled. Broadway always publishes some beautiful quotes in the Order of Worship in order to enhance the service in general and also to use during the silence which is always built into its worship. Here are a couple of lovely ones concerning Good Friday. "This liturgy that Christ enacted on the cross represents the culmination of precisely this liturgy, the 'liturgy of the world.' This is the liturgy which reveals, ultimately, God's plan for human history, which shows the world not as some ...

Hard to believe that Lent is almost over. Having missed a week of it (attending a Five Day Academy), it seems like it just began. All my Lenten activities at church have been good, but attendance has been light. I remarked to our youth minister today that I wasn't sure I'd try anything like this again next year, but her response was to pass along a compliment from one of our parishioners who was telling her how much she appreciated all the emphasis on spiritual formation that I'm bringing to the church. That was nice to hear...the parishioner said she couldn't come to everything I've offered, but she likes it that it's available. And that's true. It's available, and I suppose that counts for something. Tonight I spent a couple of hours shopping for the Lenten activity we're doing tomorrow. After Evening Prayer then a soup supper, we'll be filling 60 "TAAS Survival Bags" for the 3rd graders at the elementary school next door to our chur...

"Ministers need a well thought-out view of what it means to be human." This simple sentence came to me while I was talking to our youth director and student assistant pastor this week (who also reminded me that assigning 150 pages to read each week is too much! Thank you, M.). Simple, yes, but it gave me a foundation upon which to hang "Spirituality and Psychotherapy," my class in the Fall. Funny how, with something so simple, lots of disparate thoughts can fall into place. At least I think they'll fall into place. I HOPE they'll fall into place. After I finish this post I'm going to work on the Prospectus again and hopefully get it into shape to send to the associate dean. This is such a huge subject--I've had some difficulty winnowing everything down. Another friend who is currntly getting her Ph.D. in this field also gave me some sage advice: Just teach what you know, Katherine. Teach what you know. I'm thinking that a lot of what I know is o...

We went to a Christmas Eve service at a Baptist church in Georgia. This church recently decided to abandon its downtown location and move to the suburbs where it has built a functional, and actually quite nice, new building. I was fine with the service for the most part until it came time for communion. The minister asked the deacons to come forward. More than 20 people rose and came forward. All of them male. Every blasted one of them. Male. Of course I knew going into it that this church did not have women deacons. But seeing those twenty men up there at the front of this huge church, I knew it in a new way--viscerally, in my heart. I was surprised by how painful it was for me. Tears stung my eyes. We receive communion, the body and blood of Jesus who was the Christ, to say Yes to being with Christ as the disciples were with Christ. Two thousand years forward in time and that same Christ is present among us, too, and that same Christ continues to invite all to the table, to know this...

I love so much seeing God at work in someone's life. Really, it just thrills me. It's Friday night and I'm dead tired, yet there remains somewhere within me a sense of energy, excitement at what I have witnessed in my counseling and spiritual direction practice these last couple of weeks. Of course I can't write about the specifics of what happened. Generally, it's people recognizing the lies they've been telling themselves about who they are--recognizing how those lies have covered up what is good and true and beautiful within them....It's people growing up, no longer stuck emotionally at the level of a 15 year old, but facing the mistakes they've made, facing the reality of how they have conformed to the expectations of others, facing an unknown but full-of-fabulous-possibilities future....It's people coming alive, seeing the beauty on the faces of those around them, seeing the truth that no one else has the power to make them unhappy, seeing G...

HeartPaths is an organization that trains spiritual directors in the North Texas area. A friend of mine on the staff asked me to become part of the faculty, just to co-lead one of the 1st year groups and to see a few people for spiritual direction (all students must be in direction). All of this will take place on three Friday mornings each month. Plus I'm asked to attend a seminar on one Saturday a month. After I pay for gas--it's a 45 minute drive--I'll make a few dollars. But I'm not complaining about that. Being part of this organization not only allows me to see my friend on a regular basis (I've missed her since our seminary days together) but also to benefit from learning the HeartPaths method of spiritual formation and direction. The curriculum is impressive. And the way they conduct these groups is very similar to the Courage to Lead model in the sense that cross-talk is restricted--very helpful in listening for the Spirit's movement. I went to the firs...

I've just returned from a two-day retreat for 'Courage to Lead' for Congregations. We are taking the 15-month series of Courage retreats (for clergy) that I participated in 2006-2007 into our congregations. Pretty amazing stuff. We each invited 3 or 4 lay members of our churches, ending up with 26 people in the Circle of Trust. (See Parker Palmer's Hidden Wholeness. ) I've written before about how I realized that the series of Courage retreats were about practicing what church should be like . I'm very excited about the prospect of actually seeing church cultures slowly change. The change can come about, I think, as people learn to EMBODY the Courage To Lead touchstones . Here are a few of my favorites: Speak your truth in ways that respect other people's truth. Our views of reality may differ, but speaking one's truth in a circle of trust does not mean interpreting, correcting or debating what others say. Speak from your center to the center of the circ...

Today was one of those incredibly productive days. You know--when the brain is firing on all cylinders. It made me realize how often my brain is barely firing at all these days. I blame it on the heat. As always in the summertime in Texas, it's too damn hot . Nevertheless, on this exceptional day, I went to church (preaching next Sunday, not today), facilitated a Wellness Ministry meeting, came home and worked on all kinds of little things that I've needed to get done for a l.o.n.g. time! Feels good to get them off my desk. Here's something I wrote for the Area newsletter. I'm on our Spiritual Life Committee, and we want to remind pastors of the importance of attending to their spiritual lives.... _______________ Cherish Your Ministry Most clergy experience a rich sense of fulfillment in serving their congregations—fulfillment that provides zest and energy. Yet, if we’re honest, most of us have also had times when our vocation seemed so demanding that our spirits drie...

I love my friend Jan and her blog, Yearning for God . She is amazing. She got into some trouble recently (persecution ?) for posting about some issues for which she is a passionate advocate, one of those issues being homosexuality and how the church should be a place where all are loved and celebrated. My own church recently voted to officially be Open and Affirming. I love the statement the church came up with: We, the congregation of __________________ , declare ourselves to be Open and Affirming. We strive to be a congregation that includes all persons, embracing differences of sexual orientation, gender and its expression, marital status, age, mental and physical health and ability, racial and cultural identity or background, and educational or socioeconomic status. We welcome all to share in the life, leadership, ministry, fellowship, worship, sacraments, responsibilities, blessings and joys of our congregation's life in Christ. That statement not only says we welcome and cele...

I started an Evening Prayer service at my church last week. It's in the tradition of Taize. Just a 25 minute service. I set it up in the chapel, which has some beautiful stained glass windows, and put about 100 candles of all shapes and sizes. We sing three Taize songs, do intercessory prayer, silence, two Scripture readings using three different translations, and I decided to serve each person communion. As the service ended tonight, I just sat there for about 10 minutes all alone. I kept thinking, God is real. God is real. God is real. It's something about the beauty. God inhabits it and I can experience the divine so easily through it. Beauty.

I'm listening to Bishop Gene Robinson on Fresh Air. Terry Gross asked him about how the church is changing. He pointed out how Jesus said " there are many more things I want to teach you, but you are not able to hear them now, so I will send to you the Holy Spirit." He said that full inclusion of women and GLBT people in the church is the Holy Spirit leading us to a fuller understanding of God's love. He said that in Jesus' day people might have said, OK Jesus this is all good, but you know, we really have to the draw the line with lepers...or with prostitutes. For countless generations various groups of people have been told that they are not loved by God. Jesus countered that, always, within the culture in which he lived. We are called to do the same. I think that's so true. I feel such heartache, even pain, whenever the subject of Episcopalians in my part of the country comes up. Women cannot be ordained around here if they are Episcopalians. Wh...

It's Saturday morning, and absolutely beautiful in North Texas. The sun is shining. The air looks clean (for a change). And it's suppose to be about 70 by mid-afternoon. Life is so incredibly good. D's play, Driving Miss Daisy, is doing well. Thursday night I attended the "preview" performance, where they invite people in from retirement homes for free. The house was about half full, I'd say. D was great! I admire his talent for acting and performing like that. The whole cast was wonderful. In fact, during the last act, when Hoak is visiting Daisy in the nursing home, feeding her with his old, shaking hand, I found tears streaming down my face. There is such a sadness involved in getting old. I mean, just existentially ~ sadness at the approaching end. I remember, when I decided to jump off the cliff and leave my oil company job...my Zen teacher, Ruben, told me that I had one month to live and challenged me: what will you do in the time you have remaining on ...

My church today began the 9-week process of becoming officially "open and affirming." We'll vote at the end of the study we're doing, but I'm told there should be no problem at all. Years ago there were members who were uncomfortable with it, but they are no longer with us. Good thing ~ I'm not eager for any more church conflict! It makes me very happy to be part of such a church as this. People here take hospitality, true Christian hospitality , seriously. Wow.

It's been a busy few days (aren't they all?) I'm beginning to love my new church. Another couple invited me for lunch today, and I had a fabulous time. He was with the State Department for a while, and they have traveled the world many times over. Beautiful home. Not huge, but stunning. Everywhere I looked my eyes fell on something glorious. When I walked in, I was struck by the sunlight filtering in everywhere. We entered the small dining room through two potted plants that have grown, literally, to the ceiling! She is a gourmet cook. Chicken crepes, salad, homemade bread and jellies--for lunch! And for desert she had made some kind of ... I don't know what to call this. A rolled cake thing. :-) It was filled with cream surrounded by cake and topped with yummy icing. Amazing. They regaled me with stories of their travels. She's Dutch, and they met when he was in Europe with one of the World Council of Churches' work camps back in the 50's. Great story. I do...

Just some odds and ends this evening: I've been feeling GREAT lately. Don't know why...there's nothing particularly different from those days last week when I could hardly move, I was so tired. Struck me today how much I love being a minister. A retired couple from my new church invited me over for lunch, and we just sat and talked while feasting on homemade soup and cornbread. Comfort food! They invited me out back to tour his office, formerly a tool shed that he converted. Wow. I admire the ability to build like that. And then we sat in their living room and spoke about the church for a while. They are both at the center of things there. It was under her direction that every spring the church plants wildflowers. This church is set up on a hill, surrounded by about four acres of grass and trees--beautiful park-like setting. In October church members come together to make about 2,000 seed balls~the size of your fist~an amazing process that keeps the birds from ea...

flickrfoto As 2007 winds down I find myself in the midst of a familiar feeling. It's an existential awareness of the end of my life approaching. That sounds like a real downer, doesn't it? But it's not. Not really. My birthday falls between Christmas and New Year's, so I get a double-dose of this each year...the passing of time, and my own personal passing of time. Buy a new calendar. Remember I can no longer say "I'm 51." This existential awareness began after my mother died in 1994. Being the oldest generation in my immediate family of origin makes a huge difference, I think. No longer is there that 'buffer' between me and death ~ plus, as friends correctly predicted, once past 50 my body just feels older. Several people I trust have told me that I have a gift for knowing, for recognizing, what is constructive and what is destructive in life. I can often intuit that kind of thing, which at times is complicated or hidden, fairly well. So, I don...

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope it's been a beautiful day for you all. Christmas Eve service at my new church was interesting for me. In the middle of it all I became aware once again of how much I miss my previous church ~ I'm definitely grieving the fact that the conflict became so awful that I decided to leave. When we got home last night I said as much to D, and his comment was that I had done the right thing. Then he said, "You took one for the team." I do hope that my leaving there has stirred up some Spirit-filled energy, but I wish I could have been with all the wonderful people there I love so much. I miss them. I hope my feelings don't interfere with my ability to make connections at the new church. I'm feeling disconnected, but thinking that's because it's too soon for anyone to really feel connected in any meaningful way there. Yet there's also a detached feeling, and that's not good. I preach the next two Sundays, though, and tha...

So much for a commitment to blog every day... Oh, the last few days have been tough, although nothing terrible. I called the doctor on Monday when I felt like the bronchitis was returning, but by Tuesday when the appointment came, surprisingly I already felt much better. I have a prescription for an antiobiotic in hand, though, in case I get worse while the doc's gone over Christmas. I feel overwhelmed. One evening I just sat on the bed, staring into nothing. I think the radio was playing. My new job is going well. At first I felt cramped in my new office which is maybe 1/4 the size of my previous space. But the window is beautiful ~ gothic style, floor to ceiling ~ and it looks out on the park-like grounds of the church. Every so often when I turn to look I'll see leaves falling. Lovely. The office is cozy, not at all cramped...My colleague in ministry is thoughtful and easy-going. The administrator is also easy going and has been a real help to me in setting things up and fee...

I am grateful for CPE programs where such an emphasis is placed on self awareness. For the second year in a row now I've made a little presentation to the chaplain interns at one of our local hospitals. I talk about spiritual vitality and how important it is to continue a practice of self-examination beyond the CPE experience. It's gratifying for me to talk to these young people. They are amazingly self-aware and eager to share. I give them a whole page of quotes from famous Christians talking about self-knowledge and how critical it is to the spiritual life. One woman today focused on Augustine's famous "our hearts are restless until the rest in Thee, O God," and she put that together with a quote from Frederick Buechner talking about our "original selves." In tears, she commented that she had never really told the CPE supervisor, who was in the room, the amazing sense of restoration she felt when she first talked to him about being in the program....

The cornbread's baking, the sausage (for the cornbread--southern style, my grandmother's recipe) is frying, D's still asleep, the cat's up and misbehaving, but otherwise it's an incredibly quiet, peaceful Thanksgiving morning. All three children are at their mother's house in City to the South. I wish they were here, but Christmas will be a joyous time all together. So different from the years and years I spent going to Thanksgiving at the home of some extended family member. They were always gracious to me, but I felt an undercurrent of "poor Katy." Perhaps that was my own stuff. The first Thanksgiving that D and I were married, though, we received no invitation, much to my painful surprise. It took me a while to adjust to that, given all my issues around "family," but now I see it as much better. I'd rather be here with D, just the two of us, than anywhere else. I'm afraid D might be getting sick. He said last night that his body ha...