Meaning and Authenticity

It's 6:15 a.m. I'm the only one up, ostensibly to prepare for church this morning, but there's actually not much I can do here at home. I'm already showered and ready to go; I'll just leave a little early and have plenty of time to do what I need to do before services. I love it when the house is quiet like this and I'm the only one awake. Especially when the house is full, like it is now. My inlaws are asleep in Lovely Passionate Feminist's room. LPF is upstairs in the loft, taking Beautiful Genuine Musician's bed (BGM had to work in City to the South most of this weekend), D is sound asleep in our room, and Hobbes, who awoke and meowed loudly when I went into the kitchen, has settled back down, thank goodness. Yesterday afternoon, D brought the Christmas tree down from the attic, and my MIL began the tedious task of opening up all the squished branches. She did a great job. We have about 10 boxes of Christmas decorations, so I tackled those. As I opene...

I've not been comfortable with my posts recently--the ones about politics, the election, and the actions of our local Episcopal Diocese, I mean. I wrote and posted them out of true passion for justice--I feel so deeply about the importance of mutuality, the dignity of each human life, people on the margins of society, etc. Of course I still feel that way. My posts are authentically me. But as I posted each of them, I did have a whisp of discomfort, a whisp that I conveniently and easily repressed. That discomfort grew until Thursday when I had lunch with The Author. We were talking about the election, and because I feel so safe with her, I actually said, "I don't understand it. I don't understand how spiritually mature people can be so conservative in their politics." The Author is a very kind person. Each time I said something like that she remarked how she tries to see both sides of every position. I finally said, "I guess I'm being kind of arrogant abo...

John O'Donohue speaks my truth once again-- "Once you start to awaken, no one can ever claim you again for the old patterns. Now you realise how precious your time here is. You are no longer willing to squander your essence on undertakings that do not nourish your true self; your patience grows thin with tired talk and dead language. You see through the rosters of expectation which promise you safety and the confirmation of your outer identity. Now you are impatient for growth, willing to put yourself in the way of change. You want your work to become an expression of your gift. You want your relationship to voyage beyond the pallid frontiers to where the danger of transformation dwells. You want your God to be wild and to call you to where your destiny awaits." You can find this quote here: www.jodonohue.com

D and I had a new experience last week. We went to a Drumming Circle. Total fun. There were about 12 of us, sitting on chairs in a circle. Lots of different types of drums were available for us to choose, and even other kinds of percussion instruments, and a native American flute. At the back of the room were some large pretty scarves and ribbons and a huge gong. (Oh, that gong was absolutely Amazing. The vibration went from the tip of my toes to the top of my head!) The guy who welcomed us was the leader (even though he said there was no leader), and he started us off by playing a huge drum--deep, low tones. Just random beats and we all followed suit with our own random beats that all seemed to echo the main beat, it seemed to me.... ...Several crescendos that arose on their own... ...then it would die down again... ...get chaotic... ....come into a new kind of syncopated rhythm... ....over and over again.... ....and finally everything just got quiet and that was the end of that ...

Here's my latest article for Feminist Theology in an Age of Fear and Hope . I'm taking a break from writing for it for a while, but I urge you to read the lectionary-based essays written by a variety of folks. Wednesday, April 9, 2008 Easter 4 A Reflection on Abundant Life, John 10: 1-10, In John 10:10 Jesus says “I came that they might have life, and have it more abundantly.” What amazingly powerful words. Jesus came, he lived and he died, and he lived again so that we might have life. But not just any life—abundant life. In a spiritual direction group about a year ago, a woman suddenly stood up, threw her arms open wide, and shouted up to God: “I WANT IT ALL, LORD! I WANT IT ALL! YES! I. WANT. IT. AAAALL!” Oh, what an image she created in my mind. She was without a hint of self-consciousness. Her action was completely spontaneous and completely beautiful. I knew—indeed, everyone in that group knew—that the abundant life was already hers. The abundant life can be thought of i...

A member of my covenant group at the Five Day Academy shared these beautiful words from St. Francis de Sales: Do not look with fear on the changes and chances of this life; rather look to them with full faith that as they arise, God – whose you are – will deliver you out of them. God has kept you hitherto. Do not but hold fast to God's dear hand, and the Holy One will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand, God will bear you in the divine loving arms. Do not anticipate what will happen tomorrow. The same everlasting God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either God will shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.

Both of the speakers at the Five Day Academy emphasized, in different ways, the patterns/cycles of our lives. Here's something I wrote in response during one of the silent times: Time has stopped this week... Strange intersection of exhaustion on multiple levels and the mysterious energy arising from openness to God's nudgings...Somehow together the dynamic between them has bestowed upon me a taste of the eternal... Liz and Robert and their talk of patterns, cycles ~ always intriguing for an existentialist like me... The pattern of time and eternity... The pattern of our lives taken, blessed, broken, and shared... The Psalms invite us to see our cycle of orientation, disorientation, and new orientation, where, yes, we do return to the beginning and know it for the first time... Creation itself here at this beautiful place, with winter on the march to spring and summer and back again to the cocoon of winter that will follow next year... Sunrise out of darkness... Resurrection f...

The last few days have been amazing. Really, it was the best Five-Day Academy I've ever attended--whether that's because I had no responsibilities or because my soul was simply ready to receive, I'm not sure. Probably both. As the week wore on, I felt more and more space open up within me. The last twelve years have been one HUGE event after another ~ for the most part the events have been good, but nevertheless HUGE changes take their toll. I left my job in corporate America, entered seminary, got ordained, sold my beautiful house and moved, took a six-month job as ED of a non-profit for older persons, entered a Ph.D. program, went through two + years of incredibly intense group therapy, lost my dear friend N to cancer, finished the Two-Year Academy for Spiritual Formation, qualifying exams, writing the dissertation, meeting D and marrying him, moving again, loving my new children-by-marriage, adjusting to family life and sharing living space, defending the dissertatio...

In the ebb and flow of the spiritual life, I have had my share of flows--thankfully so. This weekend will be a 'flow' that I will not soon forget. In fact, I am still in the midst of it. My dear friend, Zen Musician Scholar, was ordained--she is now Rev. Zen Musician Scholar~RZMS ! The service was stunning. And she was stunning, radiant. She glowed throughout the whole thing. As I sat there and occasionally looked over at her, I began to move into the center of God's grace. Oh!!!! What a feeling filled with beauty! Seeker Executive talks about being in the flow of God's grace in terms of sailing and how you suddenly "catch" the wind and off you go! It was like that for me yesterday. As my name for her indicates, RZMS is a musician. A professional. She plays the flute regularly for the Symphony Orchestra in Large City to the East, and the orchestra came out in force to be a beautiful part of her ordination service. She had three scriptures, and after each was ...

Oh, what a week. I'm sick again. Yep. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. It just makes me so mad. Of course, underneath anger is always some kind of threat, and I guess what threatens me about this are a couple of things. I'm afraid of being a drag on my husband. I'm afraid this signals old age approaching, with all its decrease in ability to control my own life. Lots of images of my mother come to me when I'm sick like this--she died of respiratory ailments. I'm afraid of disappointing people who depend on me. Now that I have three jobs, I have more people to disappoint in that regard! My therapist once pointed out to me that when we are sick or stressed out, all the old dysfunctional internal messages tend to come roaring back. Maybe that's what this is really all about. Probably so. Although my concerns are reasonable, aren't they? Well, maybe the one about growing old, but now that I think about it, the other two are probably coming from that deep wound ...

A dear friend of mine is being ordained on Saturday. She asked me to preach, and I'm honored to do so. Her text is Wisdom of Solomon 7:26 - 8:1. Do you know it? I confess I didn't, but I have come to adore it: "For she is a reflection of eternal light, a spotless mirror of the working of God, and an image of his goodness. Although she is but one, she can do all things, and while remaining in herself, she renews all things; in every generation she passes into holy souls and makes them friends of God, and prophets; for God loves nothing so much as the person who lives with wisdom. She is more beautiful than the sun, and excels every constellation of the stars. Compared with the light she is found to be superior, for it is succeeded by the night, but against wisdom evil does not prevail. She reaches mightily from one end of the earth to the other, and she orders all things well. " Isn't that beautiful? Wow. My sermon is about the paradox involved in Wisdom and ...

Thanks to Jan for this quote. (Glad you're home safe and sound.) Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson~

Why is beauty so important? In my twenties I was hardly aware of it, my soul so full of fear, self-absorbed. As I began to heal, the context in which I lived and worked came into view. The harshness of the flueorescent lights under which I worked at the oil company suddenly weighed on me. I began to buy furniture and home decor that spoke to me of the difference the divine can make. I yearned for an environment, a context for living and working, that mirrored the opening toward which I felt myself drawn. Why is beauty so important?

An artist friend of mine gave me a present today—a relief sculpture. Mounted on a beautiful wood piece is an abstract sculpture of a dancing woman. Her right arm is thrown over her head and there's movement along the bottom of her long dress. You can tell she's dancing with joy. These words from Psalm 30 adorn the top of the piece: You have turned my mourning into dancing. You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. I used to believe that this kind of joy—the kind that compels us to jump up and dance!—was only known after some big event, some mountaintop experience of God. I've had a few of those amazing experiences in my life. When I decided to leave ARCO and go to seminary. When I preached at the Academy for Spiritual Formation. When I married D. When I sat on the beach, on the Jersey shore actually, looking out at the overwhelming infinity of the ocean and suddenly felt myself one with all creation. In each of those experiences pure joy pulsed out from the c...

I've never felt particularly called to prophetic ministry, but maybe we all are. I do so want to be a person willing to be courageous. Thanks to Jan for the amazing image. (Double click to enlarge.)

I'm trying to work one full day each week on a lecture I'm scheduled to give in October. Not easy to carve out the time, but yesterday I actually blocked out certain days on my calendar. Doing that helped me realize that I don't have any time to waste if I want to do a good job. I'll be speaking for a total of 200 minutes, 4 sessions of 50 minutes each. (Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been asked to speak for 200 minutes straight like that... in my normal life it would take me, what, probably several DAYS to use up 200 minutes talking. I am definitely not blessed with the gift of gab. I wish I were, but for me, words do not often flow easily.) When I accepted the invitation to do this lecture it sounded easy enough to put together something on my dissertation. What was I thinking? It's not easy at all. My memory is so bad, I'm having to re-read a lot of the back-up material I used. And then I have to ask myself, what will people really be ...

In my previous Faith Story post, I wrote about how I was finally able to settle, in my mind, the issue of the divinity of Jesus. The rest of my time in seminary was spent in various other ways deepening my faith. I look back at those years (Jan. 1995--May 1998) in amazement at how God just kept at me, in so many ways--changing me, drawing forth the courage in me, transforming me, helping me see more and more clearly the person God wanted me to become. Seminary was a time of intellectual challenge. As I said in a previous post, I was learning a new language. Theology and theological ethics were totally unknown to me, so I took most of my electives in those areas. Just as important, perhaps, I knew that I needed to move beyond my "white-bread suburban world," so I was deliberate in my choice of internships. From my previous Faith Story posts, you know that I was coming from a very conservative, restrictive religious background. So when it came time for my internship in a church...

For all of us who are preaching this morning, and for all of us who are not: With my hair almost on end and the eyes of the soul wide open I am present, without knowing it at all, in this unspeakable Paradise, and I behold this secret, this wide open secret which is there for everyone, free, and no one pays any attention. O paradise of simplicity, self-awareness--and self-forgetfulness--liberty, peace. This closing prayer from Thomas Merton A Book of Hours made me smile this morning. May I, at least, pay attention. :-)

“Life batters and shapes us in all sorts of ways before it’s done, but those original selves still echo with the holiness of their origin. What Genesis suggests is that this original self, with God’s thumb-print still upon it, is the most essential part of who we are – buried deep down, it’s our source of wisdom, strength and healing. Our truest prayers come from there, the often unspoken, unbidden prayers that rise out of [the circumstances of our] lives. From there also come our best dreams and hopes, our times of gladdest playing, and all those moments when we find ourselves being better or braver or wiser than we otherwise may have been."

I spent my twenties making money. Out of college, my B.A. in journalism and political science got me nowhere practical, but three years working in Personnel right out of high school got me a job as a high-level clerk in the Personnel department at Pennzoil in Houston, where my parents had moved. I worked there two years. Got promoted. Managed the boredom of the job. Made several life-long friends. Quit Pennzoil to attend graduate school in government at UT in Austin. Made another life-long friend, but left after one semester when I realized I wasn't ready for graduate school. Moved to Dallas where I landed a job as a technical writer/editor at another oil company, ARCO. Within a year I was promoted to management, and my salary suddenly doubled overnight. I remember the feeling of my false-ego surging . You know that feeling? Ah, I'm somebody now. Somebody special. It was the same feeling when my father and mother bragged on me at the Christmas gathering of the extended family a...