Meaning and Authenticity

flickrfoto As 2007 winds down I find myself in the midst of a familiar feeling. It's an existential awareness of the end of my life approaching. That sounds like a real downer, doesn't it? But it's not. Not really. My birthday falls between Christmas and New Year's, so I get a double-dose of this each year...the passing of time, and my own personal passing of time. Buy a new calendar. Remember I can no longer say "I'm 51." This existential awareness began after my mother died in 1994. Being the oldest generation in my immediate family of origin makes a huge difference, I think. No longer is there that 'buffer' between me and death ~ plus, as friends correctly predicted, once past 50 my body just feels older. Several people I trust have told me that I have a gift for knowing, for recognizing, what is constructive and what is destructive in life. I can often intuit that kind of thing, which at times is complicated or hidden, fairly well. So, I don...

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope it's been a beautiful day for you all. Christmas Eve service at my new church was interesting for me. In the middle of it all I became aware once again of how much I miss my previous church ~ I'm definitely grieving the fact that the conflict became so awful that I decided to leave. When we got home last night I said as much to D, and his comment was that I had done the right thing. Then he said, "You took one for the team." I do hope that my leaving there has stirred up some Spirit-filled energy, but I wish I could have been with all the wonderful people there I love so much. I miss them. I hope my feelings don't interfere with my ability to make connections at the new church. I'm feeling disconnected, but thinking that's because it's too soon for anyone to really feel connected in any meaningful way there. Yet there's also a detached feeling, and that's not good. I preach the next two Sundays, though, and tha...

6:00 a.m. Up early on this Saturday morning to enjoy the lights in the living room against a background of darkness. We have a regular Christmas tree and two smaller tabletop trees, plus the lighted "snow village" that someone gave me as a going-away present three weeks ago. In the dark, the living room is magically aglow with the light . In three days we will celebrate the light of God entering the world. A few years ago I was on vacation in Albuquerque. Having breakfast out on the back porch one morning, I noticed the sun’s light through the tall trees. I could see the beams, and I imagined the individual particles. Sparkly. Smoky-looking. Breathtaking. I don’t know how long I sat there, mesmerized by seeing light itself. And I remembered this story by Scott Peck. He was in another city on a several-day speaking engagement. His host was an older woman, an artist. On their last night together she commented, “Perhaps it’s because I’m an artist, but lately I’ve begun to thin...

So much for a commitment to blog every day... Oh, the last few days have been tough, although nothing terrible. I called the doctor on Monday when I felt like the bronchitis was returning, but by Tuesday when the appointment came, surprisingly I already felt much better. I have a prescription for an antiobiotic in hand, though, in case I get worse while the doc's gone over Christmas. I feel overwhelmed. One evening I just sat on the bed, staring into nothing. I think the radio was playing. My new job is going well. At first I felt cramped in my new office which is maybe 1/4 the size of my previous space. But the window is beautiful ~ gothic style, floor to ceiling ~ and it looks out on the park-like grounds of the church. Every so often when I turn to look I'll see leaves falling. Lovely. The office is cozy, not at all cramped...My colleague in ministry is thoughtful and easy-going. The administrator is also easy going and has been a real help to me in setting things up and fee...

Tonight I am grateful for fresh bread~and the smell of fresh bread baking. I'm at home. Worked until 3 pm. Our service this morning was all music, so I'm easing into my new position without anything to do during worship on my first Sunday. The morning was spent meeting people, trying to learn names, having FUN with the kiddos in Adventure Village (our Sunday School for K-5, nicknamed AdVill), attending a Christian Ed meeting, and attending the end of the Youth Party upstairs. First impression: These folks are friendly, easy-going, inclusive, and progressive. I like 'em. I came home, though, and went straight to bed~~oh, I was exhausted. And when I got horizontal, I started having coughing fits. Like I did earlier this year. So I'm calling my allergist tomorrow and making an appointment, just to be safe. I do NOT want to get sick again. I finally got up about an hour ago. D and I are watching the Giants and Redskins game with our computers in our laps. He'...

We had a beautiful ordination service at my new church this morning. At one point the drama group, with six or seven people all dressed in black, went to the chancel and presented quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr., Sojourner Truth, and Rumi, among others. All were presented as prophets, with words to the candidate about the awesome and beautiful responsibility of speaking God's truth as he will come to know it. Very moving. I am grateful for this reminder of my own awesome and beautiful responsibility.

Mother Laura asks, Can you believe that in two days we'll be halfway through Advent? Gaudete Sunday: pink candle on the advent wreath, rose vestments for those who have them, concerts and pageants in many congregations. Time to rejoice! Rejoice in the nearness of Christ's coming, yes, but also in the many gifts of the pregnant waiting time when the world (in the northern hemisphere, at least) spins ever deeper into sweet, fertile darkness. What makes you rejoice about: 1. Waiting? At this point in my spiritual journey, waiting is such a gift. Slowing down is what I need right now~It's been 90-to-nothing for about a month now. Of course, spiritual waiting is not passive resting. It's an active listening for God, an active anticipating the birth of the Christ child in the world and in me. I haven't been doing much of that this week, although I did have the spiritual eyes to see the Spirit at work in my previous church a couple of weeks ago. What JOY that was to behold...