I'm 53 years old. Who would ever have thought I'd be this OLD! That's the thing about getting older and the passage of time, it just creeps up, and suddenly I'm definitely no longer young. I have certainly felt old during Lent this year...every week I've been working my rear end off, 15 hour days, trying to get done everything I set out for myself to do. I'm SO glad it's over. Next week I can look forward to getting back to my normal routine and not coming home exhausted. Seriously, tonight I came in and could barely walk to the bedroom, my feet were hurting so badly. (The good thing about that, though, is that David felt sorry for me and gave me a foot rub!)
Time just passes so quickly.
I remember my mother reflecting on this once--when she was in her late 50's or early 60s, probably. She said she still felt she was the same person she was in her twenties. I guess she meant that her sense of self had not changed.
I know I'm the same person, too, and yet I think back and realize how drastically different I am from the person I was in my twenties. So many situations ~ life itself ~ frightened me. I lived in an almost constant state of fear, but I didn't realize it until years later.
Fear and unhappiness. I'm pretty sure I was clinically depresssed as a teenager.
I had my little areas of competence, areas where I felt confident. That allowed me to get hired at a company that paid me extremely well when I was only 25. And I always did well at my work. But even there, I was so afraid. My performance reviews were always excellent, which meant after a while that I was asked to be on special task forces appointed by people way above my boss. There I was out of my element and always felt I wasn't up to par. So full of self-doubt, second guessing myself, beating myself up, unable to find my voice (any voice, oftentimes). When I think about the level of underlying stress...Yikes. How did I survive?
For some reason, I sought help. Not until my father died ~ that was the trigger-enough for me to see a counselor for the first time. I was 31 then. Around the same time I joined a church for the first time, too, and I began to really find glimpses of a truly meaningful life.
Through those twin portals, therapy and spirituality, I slowly found the courage within me (the courage we all have, I believe). Over time, with that courage, I began to face those ubiquitous fears. Years and years. Mountains and valleys. And even HUGE leaps of faith.
At 53 I can look back now and be so very grateful for the passage of time.
Wonder who I'll be at 73? :-)