Friday, February 29, 2008

Anger and the Need to Lighten Up!

Oh, what a week. I'm sick again. Yep. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. It just makes me so mad.

Of course, underneath anger is always some kind of threat, and I guess what threatens me about this are a couple of things.
  • I'm afraid of being a drag on my husband.
  • I'm afraid this signals old age approaching, with all its decrease in ability to control my own life. Lots of images of my mother come to me when I'm sick like this--she died of respiratory ailments.
  • I'm afraid of disappointing people who depend on me. Now that I have three jobs, I have more people to disappoint in that regard!
My therapist once pointed out to me that when we are sick or stressed out, all the old dysfunctional internal messages tend to come roaring back. Maybe that's what this is really all about. Probably so. Although my concerns are reasonable, aren't they? Well, maybe the one about growing old, but now that I think about it, the other two are probably coming from that deep wound of shame and the "I'm not worth much" crap that I bought-into for so many years. That kind of thinking makes me a victim, BUT I AM NOT A VICTIM!!!!! Forget this. I'm sick. It's no big deal. I need to lighten up, don't I? :-)

Just sayin'.

12 comments:

Linda said...

That kind of stuff came roaring back to me when I was sick week before last. Does adjusting to a new job trigger some of it too? It would for me, I think.

Anyway, hope you're feeling better soon!

steve said...

Ah, dear friend. Be at peace. You've named the source of the pain; it can no longer control you. Breathe. Be good to yourself.

Thank you for your many bits of wisdom. I'll try to respond to your meme soon!

Katherine E. said...

Steve, Linda, thank you both for your wisdom...

Jiff said...

Being sick is no fun.
Feeling vulnerable can be a little scary.
You are surrounded by goodness and all things shall be well.

Kathy Doerge said...

What wonderful thoughts to do inquiry on:
"I'll be a drag on my husband."
"Old age is approaching."
"I won't be able to control my own life." (WOW...can we ever?)
"I will disappoint people."
"I shouldn't disappoint people."
"I'm not worth much."
"I shouldn't be sick."

Are any of those true? Who would you be without those thoughts?

Perhaps you could view it as a "forced" Sabbath?

Praying for you dear one. And don't count me among the disappointed ones...just wish you were feeling better! Will look forward to when a space opens up for us to be together.

Loving you,
Kathy

Songbird said...

I think your therapist is exactly right.
I would also note that the house always looks unbearably filthy to me when I can't get up and "do."
Take care of yourself, Katherine. You are worth it, to God and to the people who love you.

"PS" (a.k.a. purple) said...

Lynx, aka Big Kitty, at my house says she will snuggle up and purr beside if that will help.

Jan said...

Katherine, be gentle with yourself. Get well. Know that you are beloved. Live in the present. One day at a time.

More platitudes? Just know you are loved.

Rev SS said...

From Henri Nouwen in "Life of the Beloved:"

"The great spiritual call of the Beloved Children of God is to pull their brokenness away from the shadow of the curse and put it under the light of the blessing."

(((o))) Katherine

RevDrKate said...

Illness and vulnerability is an invitation to those critical voices to roar isn't it? But how wonderful that you are mindul of them and able to be aware. As Steve says, this takes their power. Rest and get well.

Diane said...

oh, when I was having my headaches, I had the same sorts of fears. I know how you feel about being depended on...

but also, I think that being sick is a sign that God wants us to slow down...

Katherine E. said...

Thank you all, friends.