I'd like to be able to express in words a sense of being alive, of having been created, born.
Reading (again) Cynthia Bourgeault's Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening. She talks about ordinary awareness and spiritual awareness, and how ordinarily we are self-reflective and perceive things based on the "I" that the ego constructs. Here we evaluate, make distinctions, converse, etc. Anxiety is always hanging around. Spiritual awareness provides a different way of perceiving. Here we are aware of a connecting oneness, the truth that we belong. Here love predominates. We are moving toward a Christ-consciousness in which we can engage the world with the beautiful, powerful, vulnerability of Jesus.
I suppose it's my own brand of spiritual awareness in combination with my existential proclivities that gives me a feeling of the shocking depth of the mystery that I am, we are.
I feel the infinite ocean of the Past and the Future and the holographic complexity, and simplicity, of the Now....I do not feel my DNA making a difference, or my bone marrow producing, my liver cleansing, my kidneys filtering, or my brain thinking. Aliveness...."I" lived for 9 months in my mother's body. Alive--not sure.
I feel deep within me a fullness, energy ... and simultaneously a mysterious something -- emptiness? limited freedom, quickening. When I try to move toward it, it falls away, like trying to hold water in an open hand. What is the energy, or the stuff, or the spirit, that makes life Life? What is its form and color?
Oh, I'm not even close.
Well, more later.