Friday, September 28, 2012

Falling through Empty Space

I really don't know why, exactly, I like to ruminate about falling down.  Perhaps it's the huge relief that I didn't die, or something to that effect, that makes me want to prolong the experience by writing about it.  

Anyway, it was about 2 a.m.  Last night.  I woke up with an intense pain in my shoulder (I need another cortisone shot; seeing the doc for that on Monday).  So I get up, thinking I'll take some pain medicine which is in my bathroom, literally one or two steps away from the bed.  I felt kinda dizzy, as I do sometimes.  So I stand there a moment, and, with my eyes trying to see in the dark, I think I see the white wall by the dresser.  It's really close to the bed, so I decide to steady myself by leaning toward it, hand outstretched.

But....NO WALL!!  

It wasn't the wall at all!   My eyes had deceived me.  It was the empty space right by the dresser, i.e., the DOORWAY into the bathroom, 


My feet didn't move.  I just fell head first (torso first, I guess, really)and landed with half of my body in the bathroom and half by the bed where I'd been standing one or two steps away.  KABOOM!!!  

Amazing how fast one hits the ground, especially in the dark.  

I screamed.  Or, I think I screamed.  Perhaps it was just the air leaving my lungs or something.  Katie said she heard something -- and her room is far away.  David was there, with me, so fast that I don't know how he did it!  "Are you OK? Don't try to move.  Are you OK?"

I immediately moved my legs and arms -- I knew nothing was broken.  

I cried a little.  And I think I did my little crazy laughter, like I do after a fall.  Totally nervous release.  "Honey, let me help you," David said, and he wanted to help me up, but that space is so small that I needed to do that myself.  

"What happened?" he said.

"I needed some pain pills for my shoulder.  That's all.  I'm OK.  You go back to bed."   I'm always embarrassed when I fall.  Better to face the fallout feelings (pun intended) by myself.

"You sure?"  "Yes, yes, I'm OK, thanks" I say.  So he goes back to bed.  I try to breathe, manage to take the medicine, turn off the light, and get back into bed, where David holds my hand for a while.  I didn't ask him whether he remembered that I had dreamed of falling just a few hours before this happened.  I had awakened myself with some kind of exclamation, which woke him up.  That dream had come just as we were both falling asleep.  One of those times when I woke up from the dream and thought "Wait.  No, I wasn't even asleep yet."  Weird. Weird. SO Weird.

Anyway, when he turns on his side, not facing me, the breakdown comes, as it always does.  

I cry quietly.  My hands and head start to shake.

That HORRIFYING sense of being totally out of control.  With part of my consciousness knowing I could be really hurt.  Another part wondering when the KABOOM! will get there.  And yet another part TERRIFIED at the knowledge that there's nothing, nothing, nothing I can do.  Pain is coming.  It's unavoidable.

Actually, this time, the pain didn't come until around 4 a.m.  The meds for the shoulder pain apparently hadn't made a dent in this new pain in my upper ribs area.  Oh great, I think.  So I get up and start on the hydrocodone, which at least helps me get to sleep until 6:00 when David gets up.  With his advise, I decide to go ahead to my 8:30 appointment for the Gammuglobulin infusion.  Got that out of the way; spent the rest of the day splayed out in the recliner.  Katie came home around 2:00, which was nice.  David around 6:00.  Nice evening. While we watched the Texas Rangers play, I got quite a bit of work done on my laptop, actually, so that was good.  Sometimes not wanting to make a move has its advantages, I guess.

So, tonight, when I get up in the middle of the night, as I always do, perhaps I'll use the flashlight that I keep on the nightstand.  

Ya think?


Robin said...

So glad nothing is broken. And grateful for new insight into the lives of all who fear falling all the time.

Terri said...

Goodness - yes, grateful nothing is broken! My husband keeps little flashlights around the house - nightstands etc. just for this reason. They are a good idea....

Mary Beth said...

I just HATE falling down and I seem to do it a lot. Hugs to you.

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Jan said...

We DO seem to fall more as we get older. sorry you had that experience in the middle of the night. Hope the flashlight helps!